Rollercoaster

It's weird having emotions bottled up, especially when dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety. I can still feel the changes, but they are suppressed, ready to explode under too much pressure. The suicidal ideation (different from thoughts and tendencies, mind you...calm down) is still present, but dulled. The doctor increased my meds a while back... Continue Reading →

Weary

I am exhausted, particularly mentally. I take actions without thought and must deal with the consequences. These aren't conscious decisions, but more of an uninformed impulse. Certainty does not replaced an informed statement or behavior. Is this a manifestation of mental illness that the medication not effective against, or is it a side-effect of the... Continue Reading →

Love…

...is something my past fiance thought (probably still thinks) that I am incapable of. Why? She questioned that someone who doesn't like themselves cannot be capable of love. We haven't communicated in years, but I do still have feelings for her and the aftermath of our relationship ending was devastating to me, particularly since I... Continue Reading →

In light of so many posts that I have made, it feels that some clarification is needed. My mind is often a dreaded enemy. It often tears me apart at times through depression, anxiety, or both. The mania is not as bad as it once was, but is still there. In talking about these issues... Continue Reading →

Reaching New Lows

My self-esteem has plummeted at work. I continue to make basic mistakes over things that I should be remembering. It has become painfully apparent that I am not up to the challenge of human resource work. It is agonizing every time that a new problem arises. How do you adequately explain that your brain is... Continue Reading →

Blithely stumbling along, blind and weary

I am often confused. It is rather common these days for someone to make a comment, particularly a joke, and I just stand still trying to piece it all together. There are many things that still occur on automatic, such as driving (I've always been a paranoiac, defensive driver), but in serious cogitation, things aren't... Continue Reading →

Social Self-Destruction

Insecurity is destructive, particularly when one thinks of relationships. I have always been a failure at intimacy due to a lack of confidence. The notion that one does not deserve love out of fears of inadequacy is not uncommon. Feeling as though you are doing your partner justice by bowing out before making things worse... Continue Reading →

Strange Emotions

My medications have, rather suddenly, stopped being effective. In the last month I have had multiple crippling anxiety attacks the like of which have been unknown to me for longer than I can recall. Last week I began a depressive state that almost caused me to leave work early. What really drove it home, though,... Continue Reading →

Trigger Warning might be needed

I didn't apply for the open position at work. I alarmed a number of people with a massive anxiety meltdown last week. I think my meds are failing or I am slipping into stronger depressed and anxious episodes. Suicide ideation has been re-visiting me lately. I dislike the fact that a gun has been left... Continue Reading →

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