Blithely stumbling along, blind and weary

I am often confused. It is rather common these days for someone to make a comment, particularly a joke, and I just stand still trying to piece it all together. There are many things that still occur on automatic, such as driving (I've always been a paranoiac, defensive driver), but in serious cogitation, things aren't... Continue Reading →

Social Self-Destruction

Insecurity is destructive, particularly when one thinks of relationships. I have always been a failure at intimacy due to a lack of confidence. The notion that one does not deserve love out of fears of inadequacy is not uncommon. Feeling as though you are doing your partner justice by bowing out before making things worse... Continue Reading →

Strange Emotions

My medications have, rather suddenly, stopped being effective. In the last month I have had multiple crippling anxiety attacks the like of which have been unknown to me for longer than I can recall. Last week I began a depressive state that almost caused me to leave work early. What really drove it home, though,... Continue Reading →

Trigger Warning might be needed

I didn't apply for the open position at work. I alarmed a number of people with a massive anxiety meltdown last week. I think my meds are failing or I am slipping into stronger depressed and anxious episodes. Suicide ideation has been re-visiting me lately. I dislike the fact that a gun has been left... Continue Reading →

Everyone into the handbasket…

I grew up terrified of the thought of hell, but that became overshadowed by the nightmare my own mind could brew. The thought of reaching my thirties was an alien concept. In a vague way, I expected to be dead long before life could inflict that on me. It wasn't a death wish, although it... Continue Reading →

An apple a day…

...does not keep the doctor at bay. I'm not complaining, though. My psych is a great guy and we have a few minutes getting a laugh and I give him updates. He was rather shocked that I quit the park service, but was ecstatic that I have a career job now. One thing that has... Continue Reading →

But It Makes Me Feel Better

Food is incredible. I crave it all the time, but, to be more specific, the foods that will most meet the stimulation and pleasure I derive from eating. I have always needed something to satisfy a dependency, mainly food and nicotine. Alcohol did the same for a while, but the results were too unpredictable. Why... Continue Reading →

Why Am I Like This?

Yesterday I was moody and out of sorts. It had been building, but it wasn't distinctly felt until I was deep into the emotions. In part, it manifested as anger, withdrawal and feeling sorry for myself. The root of it, though, was paranoia. Am I being mocked? Have I been malicious without thought or realization?... Continue Reading →

Why Quiet Dreams?

I should have addressed this earlier, I suppose. I want my mind to be quiet. I rarely have nightmares these days, but when they do occur it usually leaves me shaken for days. It has, thankfully, been years since this has happened. That last one, thouogh, did damage. It was vivid and featured me trying... Continue Reading →

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