April

April is an up and down month for me. My birthday was yesterday as well as being Project Semicolon Day. Ironic, all things considered. I have spoken of my history with suicide both within myself and external impacts. Having these two events coinciding are symbolic to me. The image above will be my first tattoo,... Continue Reading →

Stress

When you are having troubles stemming from mental illness stress does not add well to the mix. I've never slept well, but lately i've gone back to waking repeatedly through the night. I am not falling asleep standing upright (much...no, seriously, I've been known for that), but I spend the day struggling to process everything.... Continue Reading →

Time

In a matter of weeks I will be forty-four years old. It's just a number to me, marking out how long I have survived being me. Sometimes it feels as though I know exactly who has been marking the passage of those years, but others seem that I am a stranger to myself. I have... Continue Reading →

Scattered Thoughts

I did not realize there was a spam folder on this account until last week or so. I went through and approved all those that didn't look like spam, but I couldn't tell for certain on some. If you left a comment and I didn't approve it, I am sorry for that. I greatly appreciate... Continue Reading →

An addled mind

I have posted little in some time. Depression will do that. I have been reasonably functional, but nothing has been able to hold my attention long. My responsibilities at work drains me of energy, leaving little to care about other pursuits. This isn't too far from the normality of my life for some time, just... Continue Reading →

Rollercoaster

It's weird having emotions bottled up, especially when dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety. I can still feel the changes, but they are suppressed, ready to explode under too much pressure. The suicidal ideation (different from thoughts and tendencies, mind you...calm down) is still present, but dulled. The doctor increased my meds a while back... Continue Reading →

Warning to any who might need it

So, here's a breakdown of today, mental health wise. I wasn't terribly concerned about forgetting to get one of my antidepressants filled going into the weekend. A few days would be bearable. However, this morning, when I was actually able to feel sadness drove home the point of how much even a few days might... Continue Reading →

A Need for Sadness

I've run out of one of my antidepressants, but might just hold off on taking it for a little while to see how things work out. I have preferred being medicated numb for some time because I have been such a wreck of a human being, but I also miss being able to feel emotions.... Continue Reading →

Reaching New Lows

My self-esteem has plummeted at work. I continue to make basic mistakes over things that I should be remembering. It has become painfully apparent that I am not up to the challenge of human resource work. It is agonizing every time that a new problem arises. How do you adequately explain that your brain is... Continue Reading →

Blithely stumbling along, blind and weary

I am often confused. It is rather common these days for someone to make a comment, particularly a joke, and I just stand still trying to piece it all together. There are many things that still occur on automatic, such as driving (I've always been a paranoiac, defensive driver), but in serious cogitation, things aren't... Continue Reading →

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