Rollercoaster

It's weird having emotions bottled up, especially when dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety. I can still feel the changes, but they are suppressed, ready to explode under too much pressure. The suicidal ideation (different from thoughts and tendencies, mind you...calm down) is still present, but dulled. The doctor increased my meds a while back... Continue Reading →

Warning to any who might need it

So, here's a breakdown of today, mental health wise. I wasn't terribly concerned about forgetting to get one of my antidepressants filled going into the weekend. A few days would be bearable. However, this morning, when I was actually able to feel sadness drove home the point of how much even a few days might... Continue Reading →

A Need for Sadness

I've run out of one of my antidepressants, but might just hold off on taking it for a little while to see how things work out. I have preferred being medicated numb for some time because I have been such a wreck of a human being, but I also miss being able to feel emotions.... Continue Reading →

Reaching New Lows

My self-esteem has plummeted at work. I continue to make basic mistakes over things that I should be remembering. It has become painfully apparent that I am not up to the challenge of human resource work. It is agonizing every time that a new problem arises. How do you adequately explain that your brain is... Continue Reading →

Blithely stumbling along, blind and weary

I am often confused. It is rather common these days for someone to make a comment, particularly a joke, and I just stand still trying to piece it all together. There are many things that still occur on automatic, such as driving (I've always been a paranoiac, defensive driver), but in serious cogitation, things aren't... Continue Reading →

Strange Emotions

My medications have, rather suddenly, stopped being effective. In the last month I have had multiple crippling anxiety attacks the like of which have been unknown to me for longer than I can recall. Last week I began a depressive state that almost caused me to leave work early. What really drove it home, though,... Continue Reading →

Trigger Warning might be needed

I didn't apply for the open position at work. I alarmed a number of people with a massive anxiety meltdown last week. I think my meds are failing or I am slipping into stronger depressed and anxious episodes. Suicide ideation has been re-visiting me lately. I dislike the fact that a gun has been left... Continue Reading →

Everyone into the handbasket…

I grew up terrified of the thought of hell, but that became overshadowed by the nightmare my own mind could brew. The thought of reaching my thirties was an alien concept. In a vague way, I expected to be dead long before life could inflict that on me. It wasn't a death wish, although it... Continue Reading →

I’m a Historian…

...although I have not been an academic historian since I graduated college. As a park guide/ranger, I have been more involved with public history. The former is more focused on using historical research to support a formal argument of a given subject that is typically published for peer review or general publication. The latter is... Continue Reading →

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