Realistically, the title is an exaggeration. Hanging by my fingertips and occasionally sliding down the cliff would be more accurate. Perhaps even Sisyphean would be a better example. I have been pushing through depression and stress for so long now that my mind feels as though it is being pushed through stone in a near constant state. I am having difficulty concentrating all the time now, but also my ability to reason and process information is compromised. This leaves me feeling incredibly stupid in a literal sense, as though my intellect has plummeted dramatically. I have been at wit’s end over this for most of the last year. Though I am not suicidal, the ideation is rarely far away and this fosters a terrible anger that, it seems, is what has kept that from progressing any further. A constant rage, building as though a subterranean chamber filled with magma, ready to erupt at any time.
How do I deal with this? Many solutions have come to mind and they help to a degree, but remain imperfect. There are so many external factors involved and influencing this turmoil that it seems the only way out is another drastic change in life. How many times have I done that over the years? Is it even possible to find the right environment for my mental health? Time will tell, I suppose, though change is an incredibly difficult concept for me to accept.
Writing seems to be the most effective approach, as it helps to feel more confident in my creative and cognitive functions. The downside of this would be to even maintain the habit considering the problem of creative and cognitive dissonance. Several ideas are in my head currently, one supplied by a friend on Twitter and I am intrigued by the possibilities. The ingrained move into self-isolation is a constant issue as well. I retreat constantly to protect myself, becoming more distant from those I love every time. The loneliness eating away at my soul is excruciating, but feels safer than to entrust my thoughts to anyone. Whether social media or in real life, I have begun to only show the depths of my personality and thoughts in limited degrees to any given outlet. As with changes in my physical existence, I find myself needing to make significant changes mentally simply to survive this life.
It’s about time to start getting ready for work, so this will have to suffice for now. Until next time, darlings, remember that you are loved and do be kind to yourself. Please?