Confession time: I ran out of one of my psych meds nearly a week ago and won’t get more until tomorrow or the day after. Don’t shout at me! I ran out and kept getting distracted and realized there were no refills when I could focus on the fact. So, it only occurred to me in the last hour why I began to feel some fire again. It’s called mania and it has been medically secure for a long while now. It is also accompanied by wrath and a refusal to just quietly or passively aggressively allow something to pass.
When I am feeling “normal”, there is little control. My emotions are everywhere and my words will leave blisters. I’ve struggled to exert some control over this for 20 years, but could not even hope to contain it until starting a pharmaceutical regimen. Now it has become clear to me that my only options are a marginal amount of control or being so medicated that I am numb. I am not exactly functional in either direction, though, so I suppose that makes it a Catch-22 (I need to read that book).
Do I take my chances and see how this goes or immediately begin weaning myself back on the missing prescription? I do feel somewhat more confident, but I am also less likely to accept someone’s attitude and remain diplomatic. However, I have also not had a sudden depressive state that put me into a wracking, coughing crying fit in under a minute for quite some time. When these are the options available, how do you even measure the value of one over another? Admittedly, I will probably look at which option has the least side-effect of feeling as though I am losing my fucking mind.