I have been sitting here in a half-stupor for hours while my mind races through imagined scenarios of life. I am determined to have thirty blog posts of one sort or another completed by the end of the month, but I’ve already told you the problem. For some time now, when not at work, I have been living in my head rather than living my life. Work is my only point of stability. What happens when I am not at work or trapped in thought? Sleep. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat. There is nothing willful, but an overriding need and I am not completely certain why.
I had entered a long, major depressed episode around the end of spring. I was still writing, but that all ended in August. My depression, anxiety, mania, et al, has changed again. I have felt lifeless since. Literally, there is nothing but sleep, work, and being overwhelmed in thought. Everything that I have described to my psych and therapist has left them both baffled in terms of how I function. I cannot even tell at this point where my mental health stands. I go to work, function, and come home and cannot even take care of myself.
It feels more complicated trying to convey that there is nothing in my life right now than I feel a short post can convey. It isn’t a wish to die, or to cease to exist, or an existential crisis. Rather, there is nothing fertile to feed me, I think. I have become empty and do not know how to fill myself. Am I at a point where my life is turned into a smudged slate that requires words, or perhaps it is broken and I must reassemble the pieces into who I need to be now? So many questions, but not yet the right methodology to make use of them. I should have been in bed three hours ago, but now I am typing a flow of consciousness as quickly as I am capable of moving my fingers. Life can be so erratic at times.
As always, thank you for stopping by. I am going to try and grind down on posts for the sake of my mental state, but not all dwelling on it though. Places I have been, places I want to go, random thoughts…so many possibilities that I want to share with you. Until next time, try to remember to be kind to yourselves, darlings, and remember that you are loved.