“How can you say you love someone if you don’t love yourself?”
Has this question ever been put to you? I heard it from my ex-fiance. That should have been the clue that things wouldn’t end well, but I loved her and wanted to find some meeting ground. It didn’t work, obviously, since I prefaced it with ex, but I dearly wanted it to. That question highlighted a suspicion and distrust that remains with me today.
I have always hated myself for many reasons, but I constantly look for ways to change that piece by piece. It wasn’t enough to salvage my last relationship. She was understanding, kind, and caring, but my mentasl state was deteriorating and I felt unable to remain in a relationship at that time.
To be fair, if there was no love in me, I would have shouldered those bags of rocks and waded into the rivers all those years ago. I fall in love easily, but not always wisely. It can be redirected, though, into a dear friendship. This happens a lot in my life. Finding a woman to accept the trainwreck that I am and that I love romantically in turn is a near impossibility. This leaves me wondering how so many arranged marriages work. (Note that I said arranged, not forcibly agreed upon.)
Well, I have lost my concentration on where this was going and should probably go to bed. Good night, darlings, and thank you for stopping by. I hope to see you again soon, but do remember to be kind to yourself.