Rollercoaster

It’s weird having emotions bottled up, especially when dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety. I can still feel the changes, but they are suppressed, ready to explode under too much pressure. The suicidal ideation (different from thoughts and tendencies, mind you…calm down) is still present, but dulled. The doctor increased my meds a while back and prescribed a take-as-needed med. The drawback to the latter is it is potentially addictive so I take it very sparingly. With all this in mind, what happens to the suppressed and bottled up emotions? They don’t go away.

It’s nice not to feel all that, but it also deprives me of the catharsis of releasing the rage, pain, et al that is part of living with mental illness. Sometimes I actually want to have a meltdown just to get rid of it all for a while. Even at the increased dosage on the meds, I’m not certain they are as effective as they had been. I’m kind of okay with that. I have actually laughed recently, I cried, overwhelmed at the loss of more friends, anger at the things affecting me or that have been weighing down my mind. It’s bad that I miss being unstable just for the fact of wanting to feel again.

What do you do when caught in a grinder like this apart from carrying on?

As always, thanks for stopping by and I hope you return again. Take care of yourselves, darlings, and be kind to yourselves.

PS: Mind the glare.

One thought on “Rollercoaster

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  1. I’ve probably already said this, but I’ll say it again. I hate medicine. Yeah I know it can be good for you and it’s sometimes required. I’m on 4 different meds now, and I hate it every stinking day. But I know if I don’t take them, things will likely go hay wire. (Mind you only one is psychological.) Why can’t we have a happy medium though? Like not numb but not screaming obscenities. I guess we just have to make the most of what we got. Enjoy what we can and keep on trucking.

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