A Need for Sadness

I’ve run out of one of my antidepressants, but might just hold off on taking it for a little while to see how things work out. I have preferred being medicated numb for some time because I have been such a wreck of a human being, but I also miss being able to feel emotions. The amount of medication I am on also makes me feel like my mind is slowed down, as though it is mired in mud.

Last week two old friends have passed, adding to a growing list of my chosen family to have been lost young. I wasn’t able to attend Daniel’s funeral, but I went to Terin’s memorial. I was so numb that I could barely feel a single emotion. I was a zombie. Over the last few days, though, I have felt emotions returning and this morning experienced sadness listening to certain songs by the Dropkick Murphy’s. I realized how much I needed to experience that, the catharsis of sadness and grief.

Wolf, Spork, Sam; all too young. Too young. Sam passed away when I had only recently began to see a psychiatrist and take a serious approach to medication. It was during a long stint of the worst anxiety and depression in many years. It was so powerful that I was not able to grieve the loss of a brother and I have felt guilt over this over the years. Spork’s death hit me so hard that I began to seek help. The loss of Wolf led me to seek more medications because the pain was so great it cut through the regimen I was on at the time.

There have been others and excluding them does not make the loss less significant, but these three brothers left this world at pivotal times and left deep scars for that. Additionally, Wolf was always one of my dearest and I fretted over him, although he didn’t know how much.

There are tears in my eyes, but not so much that they have fallen. It is still more natural emotion than I have known in a long time. I need this right now.

Thank you for stopping by, darlings. I appreciate you and, until next time, be kind to yourselves and cherish those in your life.

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