Insecurity is destructive, particularly when one thinks of relationships. I have always been a failure at intimacy due to a lack of confidence. The notion that one does not deserve love out of fears of inadequacy is not uncommon. Feeling as though you are doing your partner justice by bowing out before making things worse on them is cowardice, yes, but not always controllable. Self-esteem is too important to overlook as a vital component of life. Doubting one’s worth breeds misery.
So many chances for love have slipped through my fingers not only from a lack of personal value, but also from crippling social ineptitude. Being an introvert and a person dealing with lifelong mental illness has made social interactions a difficulty. I don’t understand how to interact with people on a personal level. It is certainly not something that can be taught and devilish to learn, especially when breeds anxiety. It also makes maintaining a working life a chore when all one wants to do is hide at home from the world. Of course, this is one of the attractions of social media for someone like myself: An outlet for interaction without the required intimacy of real life interaction.
Another point to bring up is that, in spite of all this, the attention and love are things that are craved. Be socially dysfunctional does not erase the need for emotional satisfaction. Rather, it makes that desire all the stronger, yearning for something that feels as though an insurmountable obstacle. I get excited over notifications on social media because of the need for validation. it feels good to see that message and the hope for a positive exchange. I share memes like they are going out of style for this reason. I click like buttons left and right, but rarely leave something to interact with. I want to make friends with people that I wouldn’t approach in reality because i feel a bother and rude to interrupt their life with my presence. The end result is, whether online or in reality, I feel that I am a burden and negative influence on others. Knowing that this is typically the damage done by my own internal troubles does not alleviate the feeling.
Thank you for stopping by as always. I appreciate that you have taken the time to read my ramblings and hope you come by again. Take care of yourselves, darlings, and be kind to yourselves.