I didn’t apply for the open position at work.
I alarmed a number of people with a massive anxiety meltdown last week.
I think my meds are failing or I am slipping into stronger depressed and anxious episodes.
Suicide ideation has been re-visiting me lately.
I dislike the fact that a gun has been left here to store for a while.
I feel like I am coming apart.
My psych appointment has been moved up to next week rather than the end of September.
I am too tired to string all of this into a narrative. All of this leaves me feeling weak and makes my breakdown worse. It is not possible to imagine pursuing a position with more responsibility if I am struggling to perform my current duties. The money would be great, but it would be careless and an unnecessary expense of everyone’s time to go through the interview process. Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and self-loathing have begun to hound me, although I do know that these are lies my brain tells me.
I’ll make it through, but new methods for silencing the lies need to be found. Perhaps more writing will help, even though fiction writing has always caused me distress in the past. Perhaps this has been adding to the issues plaguing me.
I just need to exorcise myself of these thoughts, not grasping for help. It’ll be alright, just not for a bit it seems.
Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully this helps more than hurts you to read. Come back sometime and check for more light-hearted fare later. Good night darlings. Be kind to yourself.