Mental Health: Corroded Fury

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas’s words hit home for me. I have long been petrified of my father’s death. Part of this is because I feel less of a peron without him. He has looked after us and done the best he could to make sure we didn’t do without. This fear led to an abominable anger some years back when he had a cardiac event. I had said that if God showed up before me, I would have punched him in the teeth. It was a virulent anger, lacking in focus and reason. This is a state of emotion that probably many have felt. However, I also have a history of irrational anger that only in recent years have I gained more control over this rage.

Instances of monumental anger are littered through my life. I can now attribute this to internal factors, rather than shifting blame away by saying it’s just part of me or that it is uncontrollable defect. Probably the most significant aspect would be lashing out from low self-esteem. Feeling insignificant or inferior has caused me to inflict considerable harm throughout my life.A general state of insecurity fueled outbursts or malicious behavior that was unwarranted. There is power in inflicting harm and it can satiate this rage for a while, at least until the internal turmoil rebuilds to exploding.

I hear a constant voice in my head that only occasionally says I love you. Mostly it simply says I hate you. I wish it would stop, but it doesn’t ignite my wrath as it used to. Today, even with the control of medication, therapy, and self-awareness, I continue to hear this voice. My brain is literally telling me every day that it hates me. These days I make it a conscious voice to respond flippantly. What else is there but to counter this internalized hate and rage but to diminish it, dousing it until it rusts away.

As always, thanks for stopping by. I hope life is good to you, darlings, and you decide to visit again in the future. Take care of yourselves.

One thought on “Mental Health: Corroded Fury

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  1. Fighting internal anger is indeed an exhausting battle. It’s a daily struggle I’m very familiar with. While I realize this is an elaborate “me too” I hope you find comfort in that you are not alone and that you are continuously being prayed for. Know that God loves you and there are loads of people who love you. One day I hope we both will be never hear that ugly voice again.

    Liked by 1 person

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