Food is incredible. I crave it all the time, but, to be more specific, the foods that will most meet the stimulation and pleasure I derive from eating. I have always needed something to satisfy a dependency, mainly food and nicotine. Alcohol did the same for a while, but the results were too unpredictable. Why am I so focused on these stimulants? They make me feel better and sometimes are all the good feelings I have.
As a child, eating to the point of sickness was not uncommon. If even for a brief period, I felt satiated in my emotional state. I know better now, particularly why I do it, but continue this habit. I long for even a brief sense of gratification. Cookies and pastries are a dreaded thing to have in my house. I have been getting better now that I have been diagnosed as diabetic, but it takes a while to change a lifetime of habits.
Even more difficult? Until recent years my mother often baked and also made molded chocolates. I can’t decide if the white chocolate chip cookies or sugar cookies are my favorites, but the chocolates were almost all divine to me. She wouldn’t make them to a rigid consistency usually; rather, they tended to be softer and leave smears on your fingers. Cakes, cherry turnovers, cupcakes…the list goes on. As much as I love sweets for making me feel better, there are the feelings of guilt after the crash.
I may be doing better on the sweets and eating (though an exercise routine is needed), it’s the nicotine I hate the most. My attempts at weaning off of them have not done well and cold turkey is doubtless the best option. I hate the shakes, but the gasping is worse. It feels like your lungs are collapsing and you gasp for breath. I place this as a greater need to get under control than the eating.
I alluded to why earlier, but the root problem is that I have always felt poorly in and about myself. I need a fix and nothing lasts for long, and overindulgence is the inevitable conclusion. I have made progress on my mental health over the years, but it is the tangential problems it has created that are the most difficult to address. There’s nothing for it but to continue working on being a better person tomorrow than I am today.
Thanks for stopping by and, as always, take care my friends. See you next time.