I should have addressed this earlier, I suppose. I want my mind to be quiet. I rarely have nightmares these days, but when they do occur it usually leaves me shaken for days. It has, thankfully, been years since this has happened. That last one, thouogh, did damage. It was vivid and featured me trying to stop a killer. Not an idealized version of myself, or some heroic depiction, but plain old me. I had no clue how to succeed, and felt the terror of that, knowing that he would kill again soon. I physically shook for some time after waking. I remain thankful that dreams such as this are so few and far between now.
Waking dreams will always be with me. Sometimes they are daydreams, but there are also the unbidden images that disturb me. I am not a violent man, but these thoughts often are. My brain runs rampant at times and require that I actively work at drowning it out. Often times there is no emotional or situational trigger. It just happens.
Paranoia plays a part in this. I have always felt that I was being laughed at, disregarded, that I wasn’t considered worth listening to. It also plays a role in self-hatred. I dislike who I am and always have. I want to be a better person and to prove to myself that I have value. These two factors probably go a long way towards explaining my life-long daydreaming. I did actually get mocked for that by both classmates and teachers. The desire to be braver, stronger, and in control is a fond wish for a child who doesn’t understand their emotions or fear of, well, everything.
I may return to this later, but my mental state has taken a turn for the worse and this topic is not something I can focus on right now. Thanks for coming around around and take care of yourselves, friends.